Looking at Another's Pain
There are a couple of other instances in my life when I wasn't able to help a loved one. The first time was when my Dad was in the early stages of Alzheimer's and he asked if he could go home with me. My mom was his caretaker and she wasn't a patient person....he knew I was. I had a husband and four kids to take care of, so it wasn't possible for me to take him in. I saw his pain and yet I couldn't help him in the way he thought he needed.
Later, after my Dad was gone, I saw my Mom's pain. It was always clearly visible in her eyes when we would sit and visit over lunch. The tears were in her eyes. And now and then a tear would slide down her cheek. She didn't talk about it. In fact, she didn't talk much at all. Many times I struggled to think of interesting things going on in my life so we wouldn't sit in silence. I treasure the time I spent with her, finally getting to know and understand her after years of keeping my distance from her anger.
Being available to listen is a good way to help someone in pain. But sometimes, praying for loved ones in emotional pain is the best way we can help them. Hopefully, those prayers will be answered and our loved ones will once again be able to take control of their lives.
Out of Sorts
I think I give myself a hard time for being too unproductive and for spending too much time on this computer. I sure enjoy being on the computer though. It feels like I'm around people without actually being around them. Geez, that doesn't make good sense! One of my favorite online sites is Facebook. It's is a good place to feel connected without interacting too much with anyone....I like that. Maybe because I'm not particularly good at communicating with others.
I went back and read some of my earliest blog posts here and thought to myself, those sure sound stupid. When I'm writing, I think I'm doing a good job. Later, I know better. I'm just glad some of you are reading my blog and keep coming back for more. Maybe next time you show up, I'll have something more worthwhile to say....when I'm not out of sorts.
Have a good weekend!
One Happy Valentine!
I was babysitting for my little sister who was a toddler at the time. She's 14 years younger than I am. I was also talking on the phone to my boyfriend, my husband now. I said something to my little sister and called her "honeybun". He overheard me and said he wanted me to call him that. Aw....mushy isn't it!
After 45 years of marriage we have finally gotten to the point where we are usually happy with each other....even though I'm still often depressed about other things. It's been a struggle throughout the years to stay together and work out our differences but I'm so glad we did the work. Yes, it's still work, but it's worth the effort.
I hope you had a Happy Valentine's Day with someone you love.
Battling Depression With Baby Steps
I'm doing a little better now. It always seems to me that I battle depression by taking baby steps towards feeling better. It's been difficult to deal with family relationships lately because not one person in the family wants to talk about what happened between my older sister and myself. I have to do all my talking to myself. Now that sounds like a crazy person for sure. lol
I think the recovery process takes longer when not one person who was involved in the mayhem wants to be involved in the healing now. Pretending nothing happened and going on about our business is the method that has always been used in my family of origin. I personally hate that method and believe it only causes bad feelings to fester.
Taking baby steps and sharing my feelings with my husband have both been helpful. One of the steps I have taken is to focus my attention on my Dad's journal. I've been typing it one page at a time and sharing it on the family Website for all the relatives to see. Most of them didn't know he had even written a journal. I've been enjoying this project and it is helping me to heal. I believe one family member is sending the documents to my sister who was banned from the site...and that's okay.
I've felt sad about banning her and would take her back in a minute if she ever wants to talk with me about our differences. I couldn't let her continue to treat me with disrespect on the family site though. Overall, the family site is a farce. People aren't interested in sharing their lives with each other. The younger folks enjoyed reading the memories of the older ones and everyone enjoys the pictures a few of us have posted. However, participation by most members is very low....and always has been.
It's not healthy when a 65 year old person is still upset by members of their family of origin. You would think by now, I would be able block their words and actions from hurting me. I'll never forget something my Dad said to me when I was a teen. I had complained to him about something my sisters said or did and his response was, "you know how your sisters are". To this day I still know....but still wish it wasn't so.
Depression, a Battle Again!
Since I booted my older sister from the family site, I've felt really sad that once again our relationship bombed. I don't think it's possible for her to like me. A number of people said, "good" when I told them she was gone. It was obvious how hateful she was being. I'm sure many think otherwise and I still feel like crawling back in my hole but here I am.
I've been studying my Dad's journal. He wrote it in the '80's and I've had it all this time. He passed away in 1990. I have read bits and pieces over the years but never really delved into it much....it was too painful. It's still painful, but now I'm not only reading it but posting it for my brother, remaining two sisters and other relatives to see. This is probably not helping my depression but it feels like something I need to do right now. He sure loved his family!
I feel much love for my family and that is always what gets me through these really bad bouts of depression. Right now knowing my son will be over later today, or knowing I'll see my granddaughter this weekend are great things that motivate me to get up and do something. I've been gaining weight and really hope I will manage to motivate myself to do something about that soon.
I really think motivation is the key to winning the battle against depression. I'm trying hard to muster up my motivation this time.
When Things Go From Bad to Worse
Sometimes, just when you think things are going pretty badly, they get worse. That's when a person feels like crawling under the covers and never coming out. That's what has happened while I've tried to deal with my sisters. Life was easier when I wasn't dealing with them.
I may have told you this some time ago. I have five sisters. One I haven't heard from in about 10 years and I don't even know where she is. I've tried to send Christmas cards to an old address but they come back. Another sister rarely communicates at all...a note every few months. Two of the other three are great people and I've had good relationships with them in the past...with the exception of the times there was interference by the third sister. That third sister is the only one who is older than I am. She continues to be a bully, even on our family website.
Yesterday I banned her from the site and I feel terrible about it. I fear I've made myself feel sadder about our relationship than she was making me feel. I was the cause of things going from bad to worse!!! Now that's hard to face. However, I don't feel as anxious and depressed as I did and that's a little hard to understand....maybe I now feel a little bit of control over a bad situation. Maybe writing about it here has helped me.
New Year, Same Old Depression
I haven't written for quite a while because I wasn't feeling depressed. Now that the holidays are over, the same old depression is trying to seep back into my days. I'm resisting the best I can. How are all of you doing fighting off depression?
I feel very fortunate to have this blog and so many faithful followers. I appreciate you! I also need to try and appreciate myself. That sounds strange but...it's something I find difficult to do all the time and even more so when I get the blues.
I have family members who frequently talk about their accomplishments. I don't understand how they are able to do that. After I've heard or read plenty of that, I start wondering what I might say about my accomplishments. I wonder getting out of bed and making it through another day, or managing not to eat all the chocolate at once, would impress anyone.
Recently, I did a good thing for my extended family. I started a family group website so that we could all communicate and share pictures. Several of my sisters wanted a family site but they didn't know how to accomplish it. I was able to set it up and I felt a sense of accomplishment. Even more recently, this good thing that I did has turned into my worst nightmare! My sisters are cruel and their cruelty is usually directed at me. It's causing me a lot of stress and increased depression just dealing with them again.
I guess there was a lot to be said for the "isolationism" I had been practicing for the past several years. I don't really want to return to that but this emotional pain is very difficult. Thank you for reading this. I hope I haven't been too much of a whiner. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me.
Sunshine Cheers Me Up!
Our local weatherman is predicting a nice Spring like weekend and I plan to spend some of it outside. Maybe those pansies will get planted as well as some of my perennials from the old place. How I love gardening in the Spring. I know when the weather gets hot though, I won't be able to do much out there. For now I need to make a plan and "just do it!" Do I really need approval? NO. I do need for my critic to go somewhere so I can do my thing in peace. Maybe I can think up an errand that will take all day.
Well, I've been rambling and I hope you don't mind. Wish me luck with my depression today.
Take Your Own Advice
I usually have good suggestions for those who are having a hard time with depression, stress or anxiety. my ideas range from seeking professional help to taking a walk outside to patting yourself on the back. I guess I'm weighing my options right now and am trying to decide what idea would be most helpful to me this time. I've done all of the "advised" things at one time or another in my life. Are we supposed to keep doing them forever?
I have hopes that my spirits will improve dramatically when the weather finally does. This has been one of the longest and dreariest Winters and early Springs that I've ever experienced here in Southwest Missouri. Sunshine has been scarce and we've had way too much rain and snow.
When the weather is decent I will need to figure out where to put the perennials I brought here from our old house. I feel like I don't know where to start, even though this yard is very small compared to what we had. Have I lost my confidence? Yes, I think so. It's easy to do when someone else gripes about your abilities and choices and shows no interest in what you want to do.
I bought two six packs of happy looking pansies the other day and they are waiting for me on the front porch. Maybe soon I can get out there to put them in a pot in the sunshine. Maybe......
Depressed Again!
We moved in November and we've fought a lot ever since the move.....well, prior to the move and during the move too. It's been a difficult adjustment for both of us. The holidays were hard because holidays are just hard even if you haven't just moved. Our occasional Spring like day has been helpful and I'm hoping for more of that.
Today however, it is chilly and dreary. I didn't want to get out of bed. I know I need help when I have lots of interesting things to do but am not motivated to do any of them. One of my biggest problems is the feeling that I don't know where to start. If I could just make myself start then I know I would become enthused about whatever I undertook.
Maybe writing on this blog again is the start I need. I sure hope so. I appreciate all the comments my readers have made and I hope you will continue reading and commenting.
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