Keeping Secrets in Your Relationship.......by Susan
Yesterday I learned of yet another secret that my spouse kept from me. He has had a need for over 40 years to keep secrets about things.....lots of things. I don't think it's good for our relationship, but this time I was prepared mentally to not stress out about his latest secret. His secrets usually involve hoarding money but there have been plenty of other things too. I calmly told him what I thought of his latest secret and went on about my business. Today it's bugging me.....so here I am blogging about keeping secrets in our closest relationships.
In my opinion good mental health involves having good relationships in our lives. It's not everything but it's pretty darned important. I think trust and openness in a relationship are vital to it's success and yet.....how has my relationship lasted over 40 years without these key ingredients? I think it is because for the most part, I've accepted this person for the very private and secretive person. However, by accepting this about him, I've also accepted a much lower level of intimacy in our relationship and therein lies one of the reasons for the anger, stress and anxiety I often feel.
I did an Internet search on keeping secrets and found an interesting article. The article weighs the pros and cons of keeping secrets in a relationship. My conclusion is that if you want intimacy in your relationships, reveal the secrets when it feels safe to do so.
I may have a problem in revealing too much about myself and my feelings.....I'm kind of an open book, so to speak. However, it feels like a good, honest way for me to be, so I guess I'll continue on my path while others 'keep on' keeping their secrets. Thanks for listening.
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In my opinion good mental health involves having good relationships in our lives. It's not everything but it's pretty darned important. I think trust and openness in a relationship are vital to it's success and yet.....how has my relationship lasted over 40 years without these key ingredients? I think it is because for the most part, I've accepted this person for the very private and secretive person. However, by accepting this about him, I've also accepted a much lower level of intimacy in our relationship and therein lies one of the reasons for the anger, stress and anxiety I often feel.
I did an Internet search on keeping secrets and found an interesting article. The article weighs the pros and cons of keeping secrets in a relationship. My conclusion is that if you want intimacy in your relationships, reveal the secrets when it feels safe to do so.
I may have a problem in revealing too much about myself and my feelings.....I'm kind of an open book, so to speak. However, it feels like a good, honest way for me to be, so I guess I'll continue on my path while others 'keep on' keeping their secrets. Thanks for listening.
Please visit:
Ozzieblackcat's home page
Posted by ozzieblackcat at 6/7/2008 10:47 AM 
Categories: Relationships, Stress, Mental Health, Anxiety, Anger, His and Hers, ozzieblackcat, depression
Categories: Relationships, Stress, Mental Health, Anxiety, Anger, His and Hers, ozzieblackcat, depression
Hi Susan,
Wow. I think that makes you an incredibly strong and compassionate. Sure you've had to deal with the emotional fallout of your husband's secrets, but you've given him your love regardless. I think that's a fantastic acomplishment. Perhaps your husband doesn't know exactly how fortunate he is!
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I am very surprised by the secrets that have been kept from you for such an amount of time.
Sometimes I keep things to myself but not kind of things that need to be necessarily shared in a relationship.
It must be hard for you to deal with this especially as you then you probably find yourself wondering what else is being held back?
The natural progression of this repetitive negative behaviour is quite self destructive to him as well as your relationship.
I really hope you find a way to get that balance in communication which I think is so important in a relationship.
You deserve more than this and to have this playing on your mind and worrying you all the time is not fair!
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Thank you for your comment.
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I guess we all have a need to keep some things to ourselves. I think the more open we can be in our relationships, the better the relationships will be. Thanks so much for your comment!
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Keeping secrets in such a close relationship is definitely not healthy, your husband probably feels intimidated by you and once he did this once he can't stop doing it. You need to see why is he hiding from you, than you can fix your problem.
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Thanks for your reply. I really appreciate you reading our blog. Susan
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Wouldn't you love it if there was a tool you could use (besides a crystal ball) that could tell you a bit more accurately whether this relationship is THE one, or if it just isn't "meant to be"?
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There's a very good psychologic test at http://www.rapidshremix.com , which reveals the level of intimacy and trust in relationships. I think that even if you do your best to be always frank, there will always be things you don't want other people to know.
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Ooh, much improved. I like the style of the comments especially.
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I found your site on delicious today and really liked it.. i bookmarked it and will be back to check it out some more later ..
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Great overview. Your style of writing is really a joy to read.
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There are things that should remain a secret because you don't want to hurt the other party. But if your conscience can no longer bear the burden, then by all means tell it all.
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How do you know you can trust someone with your secrets?
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Very good question
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Suppose it's the matter of our souls!
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Suppose you're right here!
Nice post!
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